After spending just about a month with my cousin and his family and then heading to the other side of the country on my own was terrifying! I hate to admit it but I was soooo scared and uncomfortable. I got used to having a family again and realized I'd be on my own again after so long and it was horrible. I'm not going to lie, I was itching to get out of Sydney but I guess choosing Western Australia as my jumping off point to start my aussie adventure may not have been the best choice because this town has nothing going on! Perth is pretty boring during the day with some free museums and art galleries and the CBD is a 10, 15 min walk away so it was a bit of a shock to my system and that made me more terrified about the rest of my trip. Terrified in the sense that I didn't know what to expect and I didn't know if I could handle it -- alot of feelings of self doubt went through my head. And that scared me too -- I thought to myself why would I choose to do this trip this way? I don't know what I'm doing! What is wrong with me? Who am i? I cried alot in the beginning of this leg of my trip--a whole lot! It took a couple of days during my tour to reaffirm my goals and my self confidence. Yes, things may go wrong; you may get injured (my knee is acting up again) and you may not be at the top of your game but that doesn't mean you can't enjoy what you are doing! And another thing--I've always had the problem where I listen to what other people say and I get discouraged. For example, some people say tours are expensive and blah blah blah->well for me, there is no other way I could've seen australia, i sure as hell won't be driving around oz!
This past week has brought about a whirlwind of feelings, positive ones and negative ones. I was just really worried about my capabilities and ability to cope with the harsh and different environments I'd be encountering. My skin is already reacting badly with Western Australia weather so I can only imagine what it will be like in the Red Center :( Or anywhere for that matter. And everytime I go into the water, I come out with all these bites on my leg...I don't know from what but they're a nuisance too! All these little itty bitty insignificant things made me want to cancel all my tours and head back to sydney where its safe! I know, it sounds craaazzzzyyyy! but that's how I felt. Till last night. Yesterday I was able to vent my feelings to someone and somehow it gave me the strength to go on and just do it! I'm still a long way from finishing my tours BUT this time next week I'll be sitting in Alice Springs-->the outback! Then the sunday after that I'll be in kangaroo island! and the sunday after that melbourne! so only a couple of weeks till I can get back to nice, clean city living :P and I have to remember that these tours will test me physically and mentally and it's all part of the journey--not everyone is superman, you do what you can and it's all good!
I've always tried to be brave and not let my fears stop me from trying new things and being happy and for some reason I had a moment of weakness and I almost let it ruin my entire trip! I'm thankful that I've met some great people in australia who give me some great advice and are genuinely kind--like Juan Ma from Spain. After I decided to be a brave princess and go out and about yesterday, Juan Ma and I went out for drinks and it was such fun! We talked about random shit and it was comforting and awesome--lots of laughs and whatnot :) I almost cancelled on him too but I'm glad I didn't. I met him on my tour to the South West and he's the sweetest guy ever--also very gay so don't worry mom and dad :P
So for now, I can only take this leg of my trip day by day because that's how I work. My knee injury may or may not prevent me from doing some of the hikes but I'm sure as hell gonna try to do my best and partake in what I can! My fear of bugs will not stop me from enjoying one of the natural world wonders--Uluru Rock! It may make it a tad harder, but I'll cope! I'll be brave and remember why I'm here. Missing everyone is part of the package--apparently it was in the fine print (or so i'm told!)
Tomorrow I start my next tour and it'll be interesting. I'm glad I'm on another tour because I don't have to worry about my meals and stuff BUT I do hate the accomodation they choose for us...they said that we'd have to stay in shared dorms (boys and girls) for some nights and I'm not totally comfortable with that...I'll try to get put into a female only dorm somehow *fingers crossed* i really hope I do! because I don't think I can stay in a room full of boys! EWWWW! lol. Yes we all become friends and everything but I don't really want to stay in their rooms. My limit is a 6 share dorm, not a 21 share dorm! oh wellz, all part of the experience right? makes me appreciate my alone time alot more!
anyhoos, I think i've laid it all out there and showed you that we all experience homesickness and according to all the backpackers I've met, everyone experiences it and you just have to work through it. There are times when I really want to come home but then I think about what I'd be missing out on but then I think I can always come back! so it's all a jumble up here :P I just have to stay focused and stay strong. And I need to stop resisting experiences and just let myself get absorbed and lost in them and not worry about anything else. Just be and enjoy!
love you all <3
german dude, me and juan ma last night after we had the yummiest fries!
this was a very honest and deep entry--thank you for sharing what you are going through. its hard to be confident and daring all the time, but being brave is more about being afraid or in doubt or confused and still walking in the direction that feels right.
ReplyDeletein your last entry you talked about why you went for this trip--about self discovery--and im really hearing it coming through in this entry because you are being tested, being pushed out of what is comfortable and usual and its totally normal to feel lost or in doubt. just know that us here are all rooting for you. We know you can do it. And you know it too.
As Sana said, it is hard to be brave all the time. But the fact that you didn't turn back home and have kept going is a true testament of who you can be.
ReplyDeleteThis trip hasn't been entirely easy on you but the fact that you are there and you're experiencing it all is something that I myself may never find the courage to do.
For all this, I am sincerely proud of you :)
p.s. did you perm your hair?